L'esprit D'escalier
by seilleanmor
Summary: The feeling when you leave a conversation and think of all the things you should have said. A series of one shots. IN-PROGRESS Chapter 7 'The Blue Butterfly' is now up.
1. Till Death Do Us Part

**L'esprit d'escalier** (_French_)

(_literally._) staircase wit

(_meaning._) the feeling when you leave a conversation and think of all the things you should have said

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><p><em>Pour ma chérie Sophie. Je t'aime.<em>

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><p>"Third time's the charm."<p>

**- Kate Beckett (_Till Death Do Us Part_)**

She catches sight of him, and she swears her heart stops for just a moment. He looks good in a suit, she knows that. She's seen him before. But she can't remember ever seeing him look this happy. He's so light. Almost buoyant. "Castle" she hisses. He spins around, his face lighting up as he catches sight of her. She won't acknowledge that he was clearly looking for her if he ignores that she was waiting in the foyer for him. "You look like a lost puppy. Where's your date?"

She walks towards him, not even flushing as his eyes rake appreciatively over her figure. She knows she looks incredible in this dress. She picked it out with him in mind.

"At a Lady Gaga concert with a teenage boy. How do I compete with that?" He doesn't sound overly disappointed, but she can see in his eyes it's an act not to ruin the day. He wants his daughter here.

"Ohhh, no, I'm sorry." She doesn't even try to disguise her sympathy, and he doesn't seem offended. In fact, he seems a little happier.

She makes him happy. And he makes her happy. And that's enough.

He sighs. "Yeah, me too. I hate going to weddings alone."

She doesn't stop to second guess herself. For once, she allows her heart to think for her. Allows it free reign. "Well, maybe we could be each other's plus one." She doesn't phrase it as a question. Knows what his answer will be.

"Yeah!" He's gone from lost puppy to excited puppy and it's adorable. And kind of sexy. "And then avoid the stigma of sitting at the single's table yes. That would be nice. I would like-" he trails off, his attention caught by Ryan.

Kate turns to look and her heart sticks in her throat a little. Ryan and Esposito refer to her and Rick as 'Mom and Dad' sometimes, and she does feel sort of like a proud momma right now.

"Oh look at him, he looks so happy." She snaps a picture of him and lowers it just in time for him to wrap his arms around her.

"Hey, I'm so glad you're here." For a second the cemetery flashes before her eyes and she imagines how easily she could have _not_ been here.

"Where else am I gonna be?" She pushes the gunshot from her mind. She won't let it mar today. Not this day. She presses a smacking kiss to Ryan's cheek and pulls back to look at him. "You look fantastic."

"You clean up pretty nice, huh?" Esposito's remaining pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, but Kate knows it's only because he doesn't want to be the first to cry. She's sure he will at some point, but he'll wait for someone else to break first.

It'll most likely be here.

"Oh, Jenny, you look amazing." Kate follows Rick's gaze and smiles at the bride to be. She does look incredible. Kate's so happy for her.

"Thank you, Rick." Jenny's voice is a little shaky, but Kate isn't surprised. If she was about to marry the man she loves she'd probably be terrified. But Jenny seems to radiate joy, and Kate knows that the nerves are nothing compared to the excitement the woman feels.

Ryan starts to turn at the sound of her voice and Kate grabs his arm to turn him back around. "No. Nonononono. You can't see her yet."

Rick meets Ryan's eyes. "Kevin. You are a lucky man." His voice is utterly sincere. It's moments like this that remind her of what a good man he is.

Kevin grins. "Don't I know it?"

Javi nudges him. She can't help but think of the boys with their first names today. It's that sort of day. "Ready bro?"

Kevin swallows hard. "I think so."

Kate nudges him gently. She's beaming, she can feel it. She hasn't stopped since-

Well. Since she saw Rick. "Mm-kay. We're gonna see you in there."

Rick watches them go fondly and then turns back to her, a soft smile on his face. "You know I gotta say, I kinda envy him."

She grins. Is she really going to say what she's thinking? "Well who knows Castle, maybe third time's the charm."

He looks into her eyes and she knows he gets it. Understands her meaning. As he always does. "Yeah. Could be. Shall we?"

She expects him to link his arm through hers, but instead he wraps it round her waist and holds her against him. He pushes her hair out of the way with his nose until he finds her ear with his lips. "Kate?"

"Hmm?" Delicious tingles are shooting down her spine and she can't formulate a response.

He squeezes against the plane of her stomach. "I hope it's you."

She swallows hard and leans back against him for a moment, before lacing her fingers through the hand on her stomach and moving his arm away. She stays pressed against his side though, needing him through this.

"I hope so too."


	2. Heroes and Villains

"Just like us."

**- Richard Castle (_Heroes and Villains_)**

"A writer and his muse, fighting crime. Just like us." They're watching the couple in the elevator. He's not going to mention what he heard Kate saying to Ann. How he hopes she takes her own advice.

She hums her agreement.

Ann moves her hands to the back of her partner's neck and pulls him in to meet her lips. His hands wind through her hair. Rick can only stare, dumbstruck.

Oh, how he longs for that part to apply to them too.

Kate bites her lip and looks at him from the corner of her eye. He wants to kiss her right now, in front of everyone. But she's not ready yet so he's not going to, of course. He _can't_.

"Until tomorrow?" He can barely get the words out, his tongue feels like it's stuck to the roof of his mouth. He can feel the ridges like some alien landscape and surely that's what this is? Because Kate-

Kate is _laughing_ at him.

She hums her ascent again and he needs her to say something but she doesn't so he does, "kay," and then he walks away.

"Rick?" Her voice is quiet, but he hears her. He can't fathom not hearing her. Her voice is his siren song, drawing him in, disregarding the danger.

He turns back to her, slowly. Savouring the moment. The moment where nothing is wrong yet. Of course, it could be his writer's mind running away with him and writing scenes without his permission, but the last time she called him Rick he was carrying her away from their captain.

"What's up?" He smiles. Breathe, act natural. It's fine. Everything's fine.

Sometimes the mantra works. Sometimes, today, it doesn't.

"What you said, about that being us. I want that."

His breath catches in his throat and his stomach clenches. God, is she saying what he thinks she's saying?

"I... I don't?" He stops, shuts his eyes. Takes a deep breath, forcing his lungs to fill to their highest capacity and then letting it all out in one puff. "What?"

He opens his eyes. And sees green. She's watching him intently. A smile flickers at the corner of her mouth. No. this isn't funny, damn it. She isn't ready and he can't do this now because he doesn't know if he can _do_ slow with her.

He's torn between savouring every second and wanting all of her right now.

"I'd like to do all of that."

He smiles. He doesn't feel like it. He feels like lying down on the floor and admitting defeat. But she wants, expects, a smile, and so a smile she will get.

"Even the kissing?" He's ridiculously proud of himself. His voice is light, politely inquisitive, despite the dead weight his insides have become.

"Especially the kissing." Well, fuck. He laughs, gently, but shakes his head. The movement is almost imperceptible but he sees that she sees. He sees that little smile fall away. Nothing solid holding it to her.

He looks at her, at her eyes. He tries to show her why. He turns and walks away. Walks away before he has to put his fist through the glass they're steaming up with their breath.

He's walking away, but he'll come back. He doesn't know where he is if she's not nearby.


	3. To Love and Die in LA

"Poke you? I wanna kiss you."

**- Kate Beckett (_To Love and Die in LA_)**

He's hiding behind a hedge. It's more than a little ridiculous but this whole thing feels like an awful movie. Last night is still weighing on his mind. How he longs for her. She rounds the hedge and he has to take a second to just look at her. Rake his eyes appreciatively over her beautiful figure and try not to kiss her.

"So what happened?" She pokes him hard in the chest and he lets out an exclamation of pain. That _hurt_. He knows it wasn't even the fullest extent of her strength but damn, woman, ouch.

"I was trying to keep him from seeing you and so I pushed too hard and he made me-" She interrupts herself and he'd laugh if she weren't so mad and he weren't still so confused about what happened in that hotel room. "He called me _green_, Castle. What the hell were you doing?"

Rick shifts his body weight back a little, away from her anger. "I saw his phone in the cabana. I thought it was worth the risk."

Her eyes are so wide and _shit_, so beautiful. "You took his phone?"

"No, I took a picture of his recent call list." He's proud of that one. A stroke of genius.

"What, where is it?" She seems to have calmed down considerably and he's glad. He doesn't like angry Beckett. It's hot, but not when it's directed at him.

"Don't poke me."

"Poke you? I wanna kiss you." His breath catches. She must hear, because she glances up from his phone to look at him.

"Kate." His voice is quiet and this isn't good. He promised himself he wouldn't do this.

"Kate, please don't tease me. Please. I can't do it anymore. What about Josh?"

She sighs, runs a shaky hand through her hair. "Castle, I-"

He cuts in. "No, forget it. Forget I said anything. You're happy. So I am too."

She takes a step towards him, runs her fingers against his cheekbone. "No. I'm not happy, Rick. I'm not happy with Josh. You know why?"

He shakes his head, mute.

She presses her lips against his once. Firm and confident and shit so good. She pulls away far too soon. "He isn't you."

He swallows hard, gives up fighting the grin that wants to break free. He still can't speak, struck completely dumb by this goddess of a woman.

"He's in Haiti. But when he gets back, Castle I-"

"Shh, Kate. It's okay. I'll wait. As long as I'm waiting for something?"

She nods fervently. His phone vibrates in her hand and she looks at it. it seems to jolt her back into Beckett mindset and she starts talking about tracing a number to Gantz's buyer but he isn't listening because Kate

Kate just kissed him. Kate Beckett just _kissed_ him. And no one was even watching. No guard to distract. Just her, wanting to kiss him.

She walks away and he can't help but follow her, his body tracking hers of its own volition.

Damn, he's screwed.


	4. Dial M for Mayor

"What's wrong?"

**- Kate Beckett (_Dial M for Mayor_)**

She can still taste the raspberries on her tongue. She was picking them out of her yoghurt and oatmeal. No, she isn't eating just because Rick thinks she doesn't eat enough. She's _not_.

He comes around the corner, clutching their coffees. He seems tense. She knows this case is tough but she thinks there's something else.

He holds her coffee out to her and she takes it gratefully. "Hey. You are just in time. Thank you." her eyes get stuck on the crease between his, that dark furrow that she wants to smooth away with her thumb, her lips. "What's wrong?"

She can see 'nothing' dancing on his tongue, but his eyes darken and he grits his jaw. "You and I need to talk someplace private."

Huh. She'd joke, but he looks so terrifyingly serious that everything is suddenly lost. "Alright. Break room?"

He shakes his head. Okay then. "Where?"

"Will Gates let you take a walk for a little while?"

She doesn't care what Gates will let her do. She needs to know, right now.

**XXXXX**

Her fists pound into the broad expanse of his chest over and over and over again. She isn't trying to hurt him. Not really. He's seen her take down suspects with her fists before, seen how she throws the whole force of her admittedly petite frame behind the punch.

She isn't doing that now. She stands there motionless save for her arms, tears rolling down her cheeks and hands slamming into him again and again.

His shoulders are tense, the muscles across his upper back knotted together, unrelenting. She needs this. So he's letting her have it.

It isn't like her. He's never seen her fight someone just for the hell of it. He's never known her not to try and hide her tears. But she isn't. Some of them have pooled in the hollow at the base of her throat, but most just fall straight to the floor. Leaping for freedom.

The next punch is harder. There is weight behind it. She never draws her fist away, though. She clings to his shirt, and brings her other hand up to join the first. Both her hands clutching his shirt for dear life.

He watches, helpless, as all the fight drains out of her and she sags against him. He isn't sure that he's allowed to move, but he _has_ to.

He cups the back of her head with one hand. "I'm so sorry. Kate I'm so sorry. He just. He told me he could keep you safe and I had to agree. Even if it meant losing you as a partner, as a friend. if I could keep you alive, I was willing to live with that."

She shudders in his arms, clenches his shirt even tighter. "I know. I know you're sorry. I forgive you, Rick. I forgive you."

His heart almost stops but he forces the words _not the hangar_ through his brain over and over until he's sure he can hold onto them.

"Kate, promise me you won't dive in. at least not without me. I can't lose you again."

She hiccups. "Okay. I promise. We can leave it for now. I'm doing alright."

He doesn't know what to say. Waits for her.

"I have a secret too."

He thinks he knows. "Okay?"

She takes such a deep breath that he feels her ribs shift. "I lied to you. I do remember the shooting. I remember what you told me. I remember you telling me you love me."

"I know."

She pulls back to look at him. "You know?"

He shrugs. "A few little clues here and there that added up to one inevitable conclusion. It's okay. I understand why." He wipes the mascara trails away with his thumb. "It wasn't just to try and comfort you. Not a friendly gesture. I'm in love with you, Kate."

Another tear rolls down her cheek but she's smiling, so happy. "I love you too, Rick."

He holds her for another ten minutes until she feels presentable again. Rocking her gently and trying not to cry himself because she loves him.

_Him_.


	5. Tick Tick Tick

"You're supposed to be on my team."

**- Kate Beckett (_Tick Tick Tick_)**

His scream still rings in her ears. Leftover adrenaline coursing through her system. But it's okay. He's in her kitchen, fixing them a glass of wine each and her heart wants to beat right out of her chest because he looks so at home but no, _no_. He will leave and everything will be back to normal.

She doesn't love him. She can feel herself starting to slip. She cares about him, and she knows if she gave him half a chance she could fall in love with him but she's safe for now.

She needs him to distract her.

"So what happened to your security detail? I didn't see anyone outside." Of course, he times his query perfectly.

"I sent them home after I got in." He turns to glare at her and she bristles. She can take care of herself. "What? The windows are locked, the door is locked, I'm armed." He shrugs and moves easily through her apartment to sit next to her on the couch. "So our guy killed the others where they were found. Why not this girl? Why didn't he just leave her in the garage where we'd find her?"

It's niggling at her. She hates everything about this case.

"He's changing it up"

"Or this victim is special." He stretches his hand out to pass her the wine. She waves him off. "Oh, no thanks."

"No no, Agent Shaw said we need to decompress. Nothing decompresses like a two thousand Chateauneuf Du Pape." Well, now she's just irritated. She's sick of freaking Shaw and her freaking Team. And she's so over trying to hide it.

"Oh, well, if Special Agent Shaw said so." She sounds childish but she's past caring. And this is her apartment, her life that he's wandered into. She'll say what she wants.

His eyebrows dance. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I just see the way that you listen to her, the way you look at all of her fancy equipment. Now my murder board's not enough for you? Now you need a smart board?" She's not even teasing. It really annoys her, and yes, upsets a little too.

He's smirking. "Are you jealous?"

_Yes_. "I'm not jealous, I'm just embarrassed, the way that you act like a ten year old all impressed by her data matrix. Oh it collates information so quickly Agent Shaw, tell me all about it."

"You are ridiculous." He sounds fond, though. Hmm.

"Oh and then to top it off you are now building theory with her." And it's infuriating.

"So?"

"So, you're supposed to be building theory with me. You're supposed to be on my team." Oh, shit. Maybe a little more than she wanted to reveal.

"Well I thought we were all on the same team."

"We are, it's just. I think that if you have an insight you should run it by me first."

"I will." She looks down at the glass in her hand. Doesn't see his face. Doesn't see his hand moving until he's already holding hers. "Kate. Shaw's interesting, and I'm excited by her equipment. But she's not utterly captivating and utterly beautiful the way you are. She doesn't fascinate and impress me the way you do."

She's flushing now. She wasn't even fishing for this but damn he knows how to bite. The thought sends another surge of blood to her cheeks. No, no, not going there.

"If I had to choose between her and you? Kate, that's not even a competition. You'd win every time."

"Castle" she chokes out, but he interrupts.

"Now drink your wine." She does, and he does too. In slow sips, filling the gaps between with easy conversation and laughter.

He stays the night on her sofa. She's tempted for a second to let him share her bed but it's too early for that she can't yet. But soon.


	6. Cops and Robbers

"There are people out there who care about you."

**- Kate Beckett (_Cops and Robbers_)**

She can still feel the adrenaline, coursing through her system. It coats the insides of her veins, feels permanent, and she's glad. She doesn't ever want to forget how it felt to lose him, granted only briefly, but even so. She thought he was gone, taking every charged exchange, ever moment too long they held eye contact, every touch. The kiss. Almost dying in his arms, all of it gone. She takes a breath in, sharp and acidic. The food was delicious, the wine exactly what she needed but sill a bitter aftertaste lingers against her tongue.

He notices, of course. They're on the sofa, both pretending to watch a movie but really watching each other. Alexis and Martha are long gone, citing the stress of the day as their reason for such an early departure. He allows himself to fully turn towards her, bringing one leg up, curled onto the couch. His knee is almost touching her thigh.

The volume is so low on the TV that he doesn't even need to pause it to speak. "You okay, Kate?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, Rick. I can't seem to hold on to you being okay. Every time I shut my eyes I just see the explosion again."

He takes her hand, his fingers circling around her wrist. Holds her against his chest. She feels his heart pulse underneath her palm and she closes her eyes, sinks into the feeling of him alive and warm and okay under her touch. "Do you feel that, Kate? I'm okay. Thanks to you."

The thought makes her nauseous. It was all on her, all their lives. Her, with no training and nothing except white hot anger to guide her. "It was so close. God, Castle, you almost died. All of you."

He pulls her against his side and she allows him to because it's much easier than fighting. She's too tired to fight anymore. "It was close. But we're fine. Everyone's fine, okay."

Her head falls into the hollow under his clavicle; he dips his head to rest against the top of hers. His breath makes her hair flutter; she's too exhausted to suppress her shudder. "I can't lose you, Castle."

The words are out before she even knows they're coming, she's powerless to stop them. He stiffens behind her, as if he doesn't know what to do with her confession.

He pushes her away from him, just enough so he can turn to look at her. He takes her hand, holds it the way she held his just a few hours ago. "You don't have to, Kate. I'll be careful."

She's close to tears, can feel them knotting in her throat. "What if that's not enough?"

He echoes her earlier shrug, his eyebrows furrowing. "It has to be enough for now, Kate."

She knows these words, dreams of them sometimes. They were the truth, and now they're a lie. It isn't enough anymore. She needs him, all of him.

She can't have him though. Not yet. Not this way. She's too tired and too emotional and she doesn't want the beginning of them to be a product of exhaustion and fear. "I should go."

He doesn't fight her. She knows he never expected her to stay this long. He shows her to the door, kisses her on the cheek.

She falls against the back wall of the elevator and shuts her eyes, trying not to sob in public. She doesn't know what to do.


	7. The Blue Butterfly

"I can't give you anything but love."

**- Richard Castle (_The Blue Butterfly_)**

"That's the stuff that dreams are made of" he says, watching her. He can see in her eyes that she was thinking the same thing he was when they spoke with the real life Joe and Vera. He can see that she was thinking 'this could be us.' And it could. It really could, he believes that. He will fight for her.

She assured the elderly couple they'd acted in self-defence and damn if it hadn't made him fall a little more in love with her, the way her whole face softened with it. Her compassion.

She grins at him. "I'm glad they had a happy ending." It makes his heart falter a little, the way she opens up to him now, the way she thinks nothing of sharing these details with him.

He smiles back at her, longing to kiss her the way the fictional versions of themselves kissed in his head. Kiss her anyway she'll take him, actually. He just wants her. "Me too."

She hums her agreement and then quiets, turns away from him slightly to watch the wall. He thinks maybe she's gearing up for something. And it makes his blood rush, his head spin a little.

She turns back to him. "I know you were imagining us." She looks smug, eyebrows cocked, ready to throw off any defence he could possibly create. She's beautiful like this. Confident and smart and sexy and-

he wants too but he's afraid but he will. And with love in her eyes. Because every day that she allows him to stay, every day that she smiles at him for no reason, laughs at his jokes, says things like 'next time, without the tiger' and his name laced with heady anticipation. Every day he believes it a little more.

He shrugs at her, the corner of his mouth quirking. "Well, it said that Vera was beautiful and the words 'beautiful woman' just make me think of you." He tries not to be too sincere, tries not to terrify her, and fails quite spectacularly. Her cheeks heat and she dips her head to hide it.

His tongue feels swollen, he scrabbles for words. "And of course, Joe was smart and handsome and brilliant so I'm the obvious choice." And in love. He thinks it, doesn't say it, but it drips from every word he does say.

She looks back up at him, smiling softly. "It's not a problem, you know." He raises an eyebrow in question, needs her to keep talking because damn it one glance at her eyes when they're so open like this and he's speechless. "I know you have a writer's imagination, and I'd rather" she trails off, eyes suddenly darting around, desperate for security.

He reaches out to brush his hand down her forearm, these little touches becoming more acceptable every day. "Kate?"

She looks at him, finally, and he tries to look open. She swallows hard. "I'd, uh, I'd rather it was me than, you know. Someone else."

She looks at the floor, shame in her eyes and the set of her jaw. He moves to her, can't help it. Holds her against him. She's stiff in his arms at first but he finds her ear and he whispers to her "Kate, there's no one else. Not anymore." And then she's molten in his arms.

He thinks perhaps this is the longest elevator ride ever, and right as the thought enters his head, the rickety old thing comes to a creaking halt and the doors inch themselves open. She pushes out of her arms, steps of the elevator. Turns back to look at him questioningly when he doesn't follow.

He can't move, he's trying to cement the ghost of her in his arms into his memory for tonight and a month from now and every time he needs to hold her but can't. She shrugs, smirks at him.

He finally steps off, jogs a little to catch up to her. She drives him home and it's quiet, each one mulling over the oddity that was this case. She pulls in outside his building and he climbs out of the car. She waves her window down and he wants nothing more than to lean in and kiss her cheek but no, that's too much. "Have a nice evening, Kate. Until tomorrow."

She smiles. "You too, Castle." He starts to walk away but her voice makes him freeze, turn back slowly. "Oh and Castle? You won't have to imagine for much longer."

And then she drives away, leaves him swaying slightly on the pavement, laughter creasing the corners of her eyes.

Did she just? Oh, she _did_. Oh, thank God.

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><p><em>How incredible was this episode oh my goodness?<em>


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